Judges Choice Category August 07

DeadPoet SG · 2007-09-02T12:22:44+00:00

did anyone mention treat??? It's always welcome!!!!!

DeadPoet SG

Dear Contestants,

In the Judges Choice Category, three members from the judging panel will each select a poem. If more than one judge selected your poem, you will be declared the winner in this category. However if your poem was not selected, it doesnt mean it is not good enough. The judges have the right to select, in their opinions, the best poem among the submissions.

They are here to help you improve your writing skills. To some contestants, their comments might sound a bit harsh. But do remember it is nothing personal; the judges do not know you personally. They are here to comment on your poems, not you. You can choose to agree or disagree with them.

Dont be discouraged, and good luck! Very Happy

Dead Poet
Your Friendly Moderator

DeadPoet SG

The judges for 2nd MPC Poetry Writing Contest are

Cheong Lee San

He has published in Quarterly Literary Review Singapore and The Sidewalks End. His poem The Comet won the first prize in a poetry-writing contest organized by The Straits Times many years ago. His blog "urban poems" is featured in Famous Poets and Poems.com.

Dr. Ng Kian Seng

Physician,Presbyterian Elder , Dr. Ng Kian Sengs writings (poems, inspirational pieces, short stories, medical articles) have appeared in 44 different journals published in Malaysia, Singapore, India, Australia, New Zealand, USA. A prize winner in many different poetry competitions, including the prestigious 1995 New Straits Times-Shell poetry competition. Many of his inspirational poems have been translated into Mandarin. Author of 3 books of poetry, "White Magic","Postcards from Kluang" & "Familiar Strange Country".Presently working on his 4th book of poetry tentatively entitled "A Different Kind of Magic".

Hari Kumar

Mr. Hari Kumar lives in Singapore with his wife and two children. Originally
from India, he now works for a statutory board in Singapore. He has written
many poems, short stories and also three full-length novels i.e. "The Poocha Purana", "Killing the Red God" and "Sugarheart". His short stories are also featured in "India Smiles" and "Best of Singapore Erotica".

DeadPoet SG

Cheong Lee San's Choice

Poem #14 : Structure of Punkd Reality

His comments

These 2 entries are getting my attention:

Poem #14 : Structure of Punkd Reality

Poem #07 : Oh girl, would you be...

First, I am not sure if there is a typo in the title, or was it deliberate, but I am ready to forgive that. A title sets the mood for the poem, in my opinion, I am talking about poem # 14, "Structure of Punkd Reality"

A measure of how much you like a poem is how you relate to it. I don't usually go for rhyming verse, but I think this one is well written. I am still smiling at "there goes my face, skillfully cut." I like the way the story unfolds, all in a breathless rhythm. simply done, but effective.

As for poem #07 "Oh girl, would you be...", I think it's a quite well-written piece. The imagery is good, not too overwhelmingly sweet or mushy, as one would expect from such a genre. The first strophe already grabs one's attention, so much tenderness expressed in those words. My only gripe is, the following strophes could not sustain the power of the first. Overall, it's an enjoyable read, and I think the writer has chosen his/her words well.

It's a hard choice, but I have to go for poem #14, as I enjoyed it more. Poem #07 is a very close second.

General Comments

Let me say something about the other poems. There are a few poems here which have the potential to be good works but which I feel are not fully developed.

For example "Ever wondered in Paschendale". The writer writes about selfishness & lost loyalties in battle, and this is a new angle to focus on the poem. Talk about why this is so, the attritional trench warfare, the mud everywhere. and the senseless loss of live that the writer mentioned. A competent poem here, but could be much better.

Same here for Poem #10, "To the Hills of Death". The problem here is the writer is trying to cram too many images into the poem. Think of a battlefield, for example, Hamburger Hill, imagine your emotional state there, write about it using strong words. War poetry can be beautiful, despite the ugly subject. Poetry is about using less words to describe a big picture.

I would like to applaud all the participants for their efforts. Very Happy

DeadPoet SG

Dr. Ng Kian Seng's Choice

Poem #11: Serpent in Disgust

His comments

I picked poem no.11, Serpent in Disgust. Of the other 14, some are twice-told tales. Others give me a sense of déjà vu, the poems are places I have been to, the images are not digital photographs but dog-eared black and white prints.

Poem 11 is a new country. But the setting for the story was the old country. The trigger for the poem was a da bao event. A journalist, with the aid of a very graphic video clip, had reported that a bun maker had added pieces of discarded cardboard to the meat in his buns. Everybody swallowed the story, bun, meat, and cardboard and it was a culinary first in recycling until someone broke the news and revealed that it was a hoax.

The public reaction was an uproar. It was a cheap imitation of an Ern Malley. The indignation of being hoaxed and hoaxed exceedingly was something most people could not stomach, my stomach turned/ my taste buds protest. (Paragraph 1.) Indignation ran like a great wall across 8 kingdoms.

It was not just a single indignation. The initial indignation was against the bun maker who cheated. The second was directed at the journalist, it was a greater indignation, the indignation of being fooled by someone who, instead of dishing out the truth, cooked up a tale taller than the highest long mountains, the television in the room/ is broadcasting/about a certain toothpaste/ I stared at the tube/ and vomited. (Paragraph 2.)

In paragraph 3, the poet moved from judging others to self examination, stared at the ceiling/ a few fine cracks/ stared back at me. The poet suddenly realized that only those without cracks can cast the first stone. The hotel room is perhaps a metaphor for ones own self and the self is not so perfect after all. It can collapse as hotels have been known to collapse. Self examination can be so frightening that the poet ran out of the room/ and the hotel.

The last paragraph is the revelation; we who pretend to be awakening dragons are but serpents in disgust. (Paragraph 4.) The dragon is always associated with all things auspicious; the serpent is the scaly, slimy, slithering architect of the Fall.

I picked poem 11 because of a number of reasons. The weightiness of the theme. The clever use of images. The vitality of expression. The economy of words. It is a poem you want to visit again. And you probably want to postcard it to a friend.

But I would have worked harder at the title, Serpent in Disgust are not mellifluous words. And I would have preferred a title that is more redemptive. An epigraph about the da bao story, if included would have made the poem easier to access. And easier for the reader to own. The third paragraph was too hastily written. In lines 5 to 8, there was a lapse in the careful crafting and control of lines that was so evident in the first two paragraphs.The end result was a cracked mirror image. I would also have worked harder at the concluding paragraph, it was too abrupt and I would have preferred the poet to show and not to tell. Very Happy

And here my revision of the poem:

Awakening Dragon

the smell of
freshly steamed buns
was too alluring
a bite into it
my stomach turned
my taste buds protest
in an uproar
what meat bun is this
tasting like cardboard?

i must rinse my mouth
to rid of its foulness
the smell of fresh mint
fills my toothbrush
and mouth
the television in the room
is broadcasting
about a certain toothpaste
i stared at the tube
and vomited

flopped onto the bed
stared at the ceiling
a few fine cracks
stared back at me
then dust fell onto my white
washed face, as the cracks widened
and lengthened, the crumble started
i ran out of the room
and the hotel

Im no awakening dragon
but a serpent, who, when tempted

by eve, fell from the card
board tree.

DeadPoet SG

Hari Kumar's Choice

Poem #11 : Serpent in Disgust

His comments

First let me thank you for the opportunity to be one of the judges for your poetry competition. It is indeed an honour. I went through all the fifteen poems over the weekend.

Before I give you my opinion of what I think was the best poem of the lot, I must confess that I don't think I am qualified enough to be a judge, since I have not formally studied poetry, or for that matter, English literature since I am basically a Technical person by qualification (I am an Engineer) and training. Though I admit I do have a passion for poetry and literature in general, as is evident from my works. Therefore my analysis of poetry is more holistic and comes from the heart rather than have the cold analytical/reductionistic precision of those with degrees in literature who slice up the poor poem into microscopable bits that are prodded and poked and further subjected to different tests.

I look at the emergent idea in a poem and in the process try to understand the heart of the poet. I am not unduly worried about cliches and meters etc. And I am not impressed by the liguistic gymnastics that you find in some modern poems.

That said, here is my favorite of the fifteen:

Poem #11--Serpent in Disgust.

Although I felt that the title could have been improved, the poem in general was well executed and quite topical. I liked how the poet has avoided mentioning China, which obviously is the subject here. I commend the poet in how cleverly he segued from the cardboard buns (Stanza 1) to the contaminated toothpaste (Stanza 2) and finally to the bad construction in China (Stanza 3). The poet has captured well the greed of a nation in too much of a hurry to change. The only other issue (besides the title) I had of the poem is the usage of "disgust" in the ending. "Serpent in Disgust" somehow does not work. Both in the title and in the ending.

Regards,

Hari

DeadPoet SG

Reserved

euc SG

Dun be notti. Twisted Evil

browniebaobao SG

fwah.... DP mian zi hao da wor!

ehh 'the comet' sounds familiar..

DeadPoet SG

No lah they give me face only. I am just an ordinary person. Embarassed

By the way do you know who is Cheong Lee San? Twisted Evil

browniebaobao SG

sounds a bit familiar leh..

but then could be also.. i used to work in a major bookstore..

so if he/she ever published any book(s), i might have noticed.

tare SG

wahhh a judge tat i noe!!! can i bribe him? Twisted Evil

DeadPoet SG

Not yet. But I do hope soon. Very Happy

DeadPoet SG

Go ahead. Twisted Evil Laughing

browniebaobao SG

must be u lah.

DeadPoet SG

My real name is in my blog lah. Laughing

browniebaobao SG

sorry ar, never go pay attention to ur name before. Laughing

DeadPoet SG

Don't worry. It is nothing important. Mr. Green

euc SG

Wah, I got posted here b4.

DeadPoet SG

Yes, you did.

ChingAlvin SG

Congrats to all picked poems!! Although I'm not picked nor has the highest votes, i feel like a winner. I didnt expect anybody to even cast for a Haiku!

Congrats!